Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So vagazzling was a success
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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