I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
