i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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