Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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