On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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