You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have aggressive nipples.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
