just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
how does that bad decision feel?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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