I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
