you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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