When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
