I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
