It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
