I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
