The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
