He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
