I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
