What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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