I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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