Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
