JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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