I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
