If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
