I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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