so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
