I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
