Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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