I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
how does that bad decision feel?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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