Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
