Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
this is an emotional support booty call
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The air taste purple.
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