Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
is wine microwaveable?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
