i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
