The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just had sex bonerless
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
