false alarm. still invincible.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
