Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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