yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
