My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
