Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
two words: eviction party
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
