The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
