First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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