Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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