Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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