my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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