She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
