I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
