Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
