My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
