When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
