stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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