I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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