turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
